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Before and After

Updated: Apr 15, 2019

Today it’s a before and after. First post. My testimony went public. It has been in my head, in my chest, in my skin forever, but now it’s out there in the world. And I’m scared. But my fear of hurting those who hurt me is less than the fear of staying in the dark. And every time I’m in fear, I focus on all the people that I might help with my experiences. That’s my mission. My call. To help.

I would have loved to read everything I will post here when I was a child, a teenager, a young woman, an adult. I would have known it wasn’t my fault way earlier.

That I was lovable when I was lonely and lost in the middle of the ocean of my abuse and trauma. But now I’m with my two feet firm on the ground, and when I’m not feeling my floor, it’s because I’m flying. And when I’m not here or there, and I’m shaking on the floor of my bathroom I know it’s going to pass. And I’m going to walk, run and fly again. Rising. Thriving every time I get up again.

I was invited to talk about my testimony in front of a community of victims of abuse and trauma, their families, friends and others. When I finished, people approached me with tears in their eyes saying thank you because I told them things they didn’t know they deserved and had the right to. A place I know very well. I realized that I had to share my story because it could help others.

Growing up I always questioned myself as a human being. Am I a good person?

Am I a good daughter? Am I making up stories? Is what I feel right? Is what I think right? Are they going to accept, like, love me? Do I deserve? Am I guilty? Did I make this or that happen? Am I a bad daughter or person because I feel this? Am I bad because I want to do this or because I don’t want to do that? Is what I’m doing right? Is this my fault? Am I doing enough? Am I enough? I wasn’t on my side.

I didn’t know about the right questions. Is this good for me? Does this make me feel good? Is this ok to me? What do I want or need? I didn’t even know that I could ask. Abuse didn’t leave me with much room to even think about something I deserved, wanted or needed, and made me think for decades that because they had me I had to honor them no matter what. Giving my love and energy even against my dignity became a price I had to pay to feel I deserved to be around. The fear of being a bad daughter was greater than the pain. I’m grateful that the pain grew bigger and bigger because it gave me the strength to make healthy decisions for my life.

It took me a lot of work to get where I am. My healing process has been the most painful and scariest ride, but also the most amazing, beautiful and liberating part of my wild ride.

I drove my bus through the desert, under the ocean, on the edge of many cliffs, mud, to the Freedom Station. And where there’s freedom there’s love and all the possibilities to feel something good. I want to help people to drive themselves there. I’m no longer on the side of the abuser by thinking it’s my fault, I’m no longer on the side of those who hurt me by thinking I’m making up stories, by thinking I’m not enough, that I don’t deserve, by trying to fill their expectations and hide my truth, by going against my needs and my rights. I walk away holding my fear’s hand, but I still walk away. To change sides. It’s not my fault. I love myself. I’m not making up stories. I trust myself. I believe in myself. I believe myself. I’m wonderful the way I am. I deserve. I’m free to heal. My needs and my rights are not negotiable.

And that’s why today is the most important after of my life. I’m naked. My inside is out. For you. I have a voice and want to hear yours. What questions do you want to ask, to leave your before? How do you want your after?

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