I believe that everybody comes to this world with an Inner Tool Box. It is unique. Your personal brand. Only yours. It is somewhere inside of you. Your tools can help you to cope. To survive. Thrive. To keep going. Grow. To dissociate. And come back. To learn. Figure things out. Protect yourself. And more.
The discovery of my Inner Tool Box happened in my mid 40s. I used my tools unconsciously for decades. Now that I know that I own one, I look for more tools. And I discover new ones. And I create more. I realized that I have everything inside of me to make every one of them.
My favorite “inner tool” is my sense of humor. I have been using it my whole life. My sense of humor has been the hand that got me out of the bottom of the pool right before I felt I was going to die. Every time. Having a sense of humor is so magical that it made me laugh when everything looked pitch black. When claws pierced my skin and monsters grabbed my neck. When an infinite concrete wall rose before me. When pain hurt in my bones. When I dragged my bare feet. When the air burnt my lungs. When I bathed in my own tears.
Laughing at the fly that passes in front of me has been my specialty. Laughing with me. With my own self. With my circumstances because nothing could go worse. That gave me strength. Hope. It pumped blood inside of my veins and tickled my feet to move on.
Making others laugh with actions and words free from shoulds and musts and I’m supposeds tos. No filter. Raw. Honest. More hope and content to my spirit. To my life. And I’m sure to others.
Laughter dyes even the darkest moment with happiness.
I discovered another tool I’ve used my whole life. Trust. Abuse and trauma never won this battle with me. The blue sky told me when I opened my eyes in the morning. The shades of green of the mountain by my house told me too. The wind. My breath. My heartbeat. A yellow flower growing through a tiny gap on the asphalt. The stars. So close. So far away. There was something more. I knew it. I knew there were others that had dreams and fears like me. That wanted to be loved and love others. I observed strangers hugging, kissing, being unconditional, listening, being scared. Humans like me.
Abuse can take trust away from you in one shot. When you don’t trust you might throw the first punch before you get one, you might kick first, you might hurt first, before it’s you. It’s a normal reaction. But trust felt right inside of me. We can’t grow trust when we don’t trust. When we start a relationship not trusting, it starts from a destructive place. Trust is the soil where everything beautiful grows from. Like trees and flowers. Love.
Trust is like the umbilical cord that keeps you connected to Life.
I knew that the world I imagined existed. That trust, that belief was like a thin thread that always connected me with it, but I couldn’t touch it at the time. For many years. But that connection helped me to find my way up, to the top of the world. Where I believed in me. In life. Freedom.
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