I come from the land of “not enough.” Nothing. Nada. Was. Enough. Ever.
It didn’t matter how much I tried to be the best student, the most obedient, the most organized, the cleanest, the most well behaved, the best worker, the best at taking risks, the best at trying to show love, respect, empathy. It didn’t matter how much I helped even when I wasn’t in the position to help. There was always something short, reprehensible, questionable, to be judged. Not. Enough.
Living in those lands wasn’t pretty. It’s a rotten place where I was little, insignificant, stupid, unlovable, incapable, not worthy, not deserving, guilty, ugly, dirty.
I get the quote “I Am Enough.” I really get it. I used it. I repeated it in my mind to get out of that hole where I was trapped thinking and feeling I was nothing. Not enough. BUT, I don’t like it anymore.
Why? This is funny. I don’t like it because... It’s. Not. Enough. I don’t understand why we have to think in quantity terms, or measurements terms. We feel, experience, live, go through things, situations, challenges, hardships, trauma, abuse, blessings. Life. So we are depressed, bitter, angry, desperate, happy, in peace, scared, excited, lost, or anxious when we are. That doesn’t mean that we’re enough or not.
To say “I Am Enough” brings to my mind this image, a measuring cup, where you see the marks for 1 cup, 2 cups, 8 ounces, 16 ounces. I see myself pouring something delicious until the mark that says enough. Where is my mark that says I’m enough? Or not? This phrase limits me, so I think it limits us. Until here. Up to here. If I get here, feel this, see this, do this, think this, I am enough.
We are not following a recipe, these are our fucking lives!
So, from now on I think and say, and feel, and do, and scream instead, I am wonderful, I am all the possibilities, I am infinite, I am what I want, I am the universe, I am everything, I am MORE than enough!
BTW- My 18 year old son Reed gave me the idea that we’re not following a recipe.
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