My dream came true. My grandmother finally made me the custom of my dreams that year. I was a queen.
When I was a small girl I daydreamed of being a queen or a princess living in a palace, wearing gowns, crowns and of course, I imagined thousands of times how a handsome prince came to my rescue. Despite I was wearing the most beautiful dress, I couldn’t see the beautiful girl in the mirror. Plus the day before my mom took me to the saloon and got me a short haircut. SOS! No! Queens don’t have short hair!
Every time I saw those pictures I saw the ugliest queen that had ever existed.
I hid the pictures in the “memories box,” the one that had been with me in every move from one apartment to another, and from one country to another. Once in awhile I came across them, but again, same reaction, “Oh my God I hate this pictures! Look how ugly I was!”
Growing up I was always very concerned with my appearance. It made me anxious not to look pretty. When I saw myself in the mirror I used to get very upset because I saw, ugly. I ran to find my mom and cried on her lap. She tried to convince me that I was beautiful, but she couldn’t understand that I needed something else.
My counselor gave me this idea, to go through pictures of my childhood and try to connect with who I was at that time, to try to look at that girl with my current eyes. And then tell her that nothing was her fault, that she didn’t do anything wrong, that she was beautiful, and smart. Tell her that she wasn’t dirty or bad, that she was a miracle, unique and special.
At the beginning I thought it was a crazy, and almost a stupid idea, but I decided that I would give it a try.
So I opened my “memories’ box” where I kept all my pictures and I tried to see them with the eyes of the woman that I was in the present moment. I went through every picture and looked at them without labels, critiques or judgments. It was like going on a trip where I could really see every stage of my life. It was a great discovery, almost a surprise because I was capable of getting rid of layers of shame and guilt, all the conditioning and just see who I was through my own eyes.
The way I saw my image in all of them changed, it was like they were photoshopped. And I hugged each me, each age, healing every me, every story, rescuing me and saving me. It was a powerful experience because I didn’t see my image through my parent’s eyes anymore, through their judgments, opinions and blame. I could see the real me for the first time face to face.
When I become the observant, the person who contemplates my own life, of an event or a phase, it helps me to do it from an objective position, from a nonjudgmental place, from a place of respect and freedom. The voices that don’t belong to me are quiet. It is me with me.
We can’t change what happened in the past, but we can change how we see that past in your present.
I know what happened, I know what I felt, but now I can recognize it wasn’t my fault, and now I understand why I felt the way I felt, and that gives me peace in my present, and when I want to look back I see myself in a different way, in a loving and respectful way. I healed that part of me. I discovered a beautiful 8-year-old queen girl.
I remembered that I had a heart full of hope, eager to love, dreaming about happiness and how to take care of the world. I could see the real girl and recognize it today as a brave woman, resilient, and be able to look back with love in her eyes and respect for herself, for myself. I cried. I cleaned and cleaned my soul with my tears, letting her out of the dark. I took the pictures that I had hated for thirty seven years and I fell in love with the small me, the kid me, the girl me, and I gave her what she always deserved, I made her the queen that she had always been, I crowned her. That’s my favorite picture ever since.
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